Today marks three months since Heidi’s passing. I wanted to share brief note to give you a sense of where is my heart today.
My heart still grieves but it does not grieve as one without hope. And though it grieves, I know the Lord has been comforting me. Each day, there is some news or inquiry from someone who has shown concern or with whom I can share my concern of the day and receive their comfort in real time.
Some days are certainly harder than others and a tidal wave of emotions can flood literally at any moment. Just yesterday, as I putting away dishes, and through a slight maneuver (not intentional of course) in how I went about doing it, there was produced a deja vu-like effect and so suddenly, I was overcome with tears.
This week would be been our anniversary week and probably would have pulled out the driveway by this point to head to our anniversary vacation spot. It would have been 8 years.
This week I also contemplated redecorating my living room. Just the thought of taking down her 8 handmade signs painted with the name of a city we visited brought about a stirring of emotions that made me think, I am not ready for this. I’ve posted a couple of them below.
It’s heart warming to think about the myriad of ways we grew together and for something as simple living room decor, how I grew toward her in terms of loving what she loved. Most of what I contributed was the manual labor to put it all together. She gave directions and I happily supported.
Part of what I am trying to say is, I am not even sure what is my “taste”. I hardly remember my life before we married…kind of a blur. When I think about what is my taste, I think…whatever Heidi’s creative mind brings to the fore…that is my taste.
One thing I do know…I am an incredibly simple person when it comes to these sorts of things. If Heidi wanted to live in a barn, I probably would still be living in a barn at this point.
Something that I’ve learned about grief lately is this: Do not be so hasty to fight against it because grief can bring God glory.
I say this in light of the various temptations I see in me to find ways to distract myself as much as possible. In my natural self, I don’t like the state of grief. I don’t like it for a few reasons but not the least of which is that it is yet another aspect of my life I cannot control.
But even though I cannot control it, I know God does. He controls the number of days we live and he controls the ebb and flow of the course of grief when it comes. I do find comfort and some relief in this, and so this is my prayer today…that God would increase my contentment, increase my peace, increase my hope in Him; to allow grief to take its proper course so that it produces an end that brings him as much glory as possible.
If my grief brings God more glory, then I am willing to endure whatever grief God is pleased to control over my life.