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Preface:
This segment is dedicated to the friends of widows and widowers. If you are the friend of someone who recently lost their spouse, the aim of this article is to assist you in supporting your friend who is now a widow or widower.
Beginning with the Word of God
13 But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. 14 For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus. 15 For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive [and] remain until the coming of the Lord will by no means precede those who are asleep. 16 For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 Then we who are alive [and] remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord. 18 Therefore comfort one another with these words.
[1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 NKJV]
The death of our friends in Christ can leave many mixed feelings and perhaps prompt questions about our understanding of heaven, the body and the eschaton. Death has a way of quickening our thoughts and arresting us, both for the good but in some cases toward more anguish. Unfortunately, not all relationships end well and death serves as a lightening reminder of how suddenly opportunities for reconciliation can be stripped. But the Word of God guides us so that we can walk assuredly by faith until we are all caught up together with the Lord.
How to comfort
The impulse to comfort our friends is the right impulse, but we recognize a challenge that seemingly few words come to mind when we consider how to comfort.
What are to be the words we use to comfort each other?
Does what we say even matter?
Should we say anything at all?
Certainly, we recognize a duty to honor the grieving spirit of our friends, so we know intuitively to not be quick with our words lest we minimize pain. Proverbs 18:13 serves us well: “To answer before listening, that is folly and shame.” At the same time we do not want to act ignorantly (See verse 1) as to suggest Paul’s counsel to the Thessalonians doesn’t apply to the moment at hand.
What we believe matters just as much as what we say, and Paul’s counsel serves not only as a uniquely Christian confession but a confession that helps us know what words are good to comfort and encourage the bereaved.
It may help to take Paul’s final refrain and work backwards.
18 Therefore comfort one another with these words.
As you recite the refrain, “comfort one another with these words” – you might ask, what words? The answer – the words Paul just used in verses 14-17.
Three General Questions
- Is there anything specific about the words that comfort?
- How do we use these words to comfort?
- Does this mean we can’t use other words as a means of comfort?
There are other questions that may come to mind, but these seem like a fair place to begin.
Is anything specific about the words that comfort?
Yes, there is something specific. The specificity lies both in the historical veracity of these statements as well as promises embedded within them. It is historically true that Christ died and rose from the dead. Our eternal destiny depends on whether this historical statement is actually true. The history of the person and work of Jesus Christ informs our history, as we travel from one day to the next, especially in the light of our confrontation with death.
As well, it has promises: (1) That Christ will return; (2) That the dead in Christ will rise first; (3) That we will all be caught up together with Christ and perhaps most sweet of all, (4) We will always be with the Lord.
When Christ returns to take his people to be with him, there will henceforth never again be a time when we are not with our King, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. The very thought of this makes my heart leap, but also reassures and gives us endurance to finish our race.
By extension, we do well to remember…not only will death never separate us from Jesus, but nothing will ever separate us (the body of Christ) from one another. As we dwell with Christ forever, we will dwell with one another forever.
These words comfort by way of offering assurances to the beleaguered soul. When we are in grief, we need active and living words from God — words that are themselves true and full of promise. We recall the promises of God not as a means of offering a coat of silver lining on our path; rather, these words are the light to our path.
When the heart is grieved by death, a tension in the heart may arise. It is a tension that exists because of the nature of indwelling sin and the nature of the new creation co-existing. Death hits us like lightning and the tension we feel on this side of Heaven, in the most poignant of ways, is a distant touch of the wrath of God’s judgment of sin through this curse of death.
The dead in Christ are not dying for their sin (Christ did that); rather, the dead in Christ die because of sin (and this still hurts). Therefore, it is because of this tension, pain and grief that we need comfort. God, in his kindness, gives us easy-to-remember promises that serve as the means of that comfort.
How do we use these words to comfort?
How exactly do we use these words to comfort? Is there any guarantee they will be comforted if we use them? Are we repeating Paul’s words verbatim?
When we appeal to the Scripture to find words to comfort, we don’t do so in the same way a greedy man looks to get-rich-quick. We will not find results the way a stingy employer expects results from their staff.
How we comfort a grieving heart is like that of a humble and patient physician who tenderly administers his care. He knows that healing bodily wounds takes time, and he knows his patient will struggle to follow along with some of his advice. Yet, the intervention is done in a way that mirrors Paul’s counsel.
So, how do we use these words? You use them the way Paul uses them.
1. We use these words to correct ignorance so that grief is rightly oriented, (Verse 13).
But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope.
Verse 13
Death can provoke in us our true and deeper thoughts about our mortality, and in all cases, in my opinion, we all face death with a degree of ignorance. But if there is one thread of truth that will anchor us as we walk with wandering thoughts under the grieving heart, it is that Christ did die and that he did rise again from the dead.
This truth overshadows and corrects the inborn ignorance of our fallen heart. When we stray from Christ’s death and resurrection, we automatically stray into ignorance.
Thus, our recollection of Paul’s words is aimed firstly to keep one’s heart within the guardrails of truth and away from ignorance. The absolute truth of Christ’s death and life steadies our hope. All other things erode hope.
2. We use these words declaratively to remind one another of the promises of God, (Verse 14-17).
14 For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus. 15 For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive [and] remain until the coming of the Lord will by no means precede those who are asleep. 16 For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 Then we who are alive [and] remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord.
Verses 14-17
To use these words declaratively in the sense Paul intends, is for us to “lay forth” the words in a simple and plain way. We don’t declare so as to presume ignorance on their part per se, but we declare them as assumptions of fact that we ourselves rest assured of. We hold on to the truth confidently and comfortably, setting forth both historical realities and promises as if we actually believed them.
Since we know Christ is risen, we know therefore he is trustworthy. Because he is trustworthy, we know therefore that when he says he will return to gather his people, we also believe he will keep his word — Jesus will return.
3. We use these words deliberately to therefore encourage, (Verse 18).
Therefore comfort one another with these words.
Verse 18
Paul’s final refrain provokes initiative on our part as the comforter in the relationship. In view of the truths and promises set forth in verses 15-17, we are therefore to be deliberate with our words. Words our friends need are God’s words.
One of the ways we incorrectly judge the effectiveness of words is by the subjective report of emotional experiences by the one who grieves. If they say that they do not “feel comforted” that does not mean that they are not being comforted. The comfort we offer is not like the comfort of pain medication of nerve blockers, so that after one injection, we literally do not feel the pain (albeit temporarily) wrought by a recent surgical wound. Rather, the comfort we offer is for endurance’s sake (Consider Hebrews 12:3). When we declare, we declare in such a way so as to strengthen by consolation. Their consolation is formed by promises that are true and sure.
The Greek word parakaleō in verse 18 for comfort can also be translated as encourage. This may help inform the manner of our use of God’s words in response to grief. As such, it is good for us to bear in mind that we cannot manufacture comfort, but we can faithfully and deliberately encourage.
Conclusion
Does this mean we can’t use other words as a means of comfort?
It certainly does not mean this. Rather, whatever additional words we use, we place boundaries on them. For instance, if your words have buried in them a goal of alleviating your own anxieties regarding the topic of death and dying, it will be prudent to refrain.
Why you say what you say matters just as much as what you say.
If your heart is grounded and confident in God’s promises, then you yourself are free from depending on your words as a clever ploy to manage your distress. Because of such confidence, your additional words essentially function as non-assuming. You will be able to stand in the presence of the bereaved without becoming undone by their pain.
When you are actually interested in them, your thoughts and prayers are no longer manufactured and overly sterile, while also being genuinely, truly and actually like Christ.
Death of a Spouse Part 1
Death of a Spouse Part 2
Death of a Spouse Part 3
